Hotel Joke

The following is a true exchange of notes between the employees of a superior London hotel and a guest – a business traveller. The traveller later gave this correspondence to hotels-in.com.

Names were changed to protect the identities of the traveller and the hotel employees involved.

Hotel Guest: Dear Room Service, I would like to ask you to no longer leave those little pieces of soap in my bathroom. I’ve brought along a large piece of my own favorite soap (Zero). Please remove the eight unopened little pieces of soap from the counter below the medicine cabinet along with the other four in the soap bowl in the shower – they’re bothering me. Thanks. D. Miller. * * *

Room Service Employee Ron Amber: Dear Guest in Room 637, I’m filling in today and am not usually responsible for your room. My colleague – who will be here tomorrow – cleans your room under normal circumstances. I removed the four hotel soaps from the soap bowl in the shower, as you asked. Also, I removed the eight soaps from the counter and put them on top of your paper towel dispenser, in case you change your mind. I hope you’re happy with the service. Ron Amber, Temporary Maid. * * *

Hotel Guest: Dear Room Service, I hope, you’re my regular maid. Apparently Ron Amber didn’t tell you anything about my situation with the little soaps. When I returned to my room this evening, I became aware of the fact that you placed four more little bars of soap on the counter underneath the medicine cabinet. I’m going to be staying here for two weeks, and I brought my own, full-sized bar of soap. Therefore, I won’t be needing those eight little pieces of soap on the counter. They get in my way while I’m trying to shave, brush my teeth, etc. Please remove them. D. Miller. * * *

Room Service Employee Miriam: Dear Mr. Miller, Wednesday was my day off, and my colleague placed four pieces of hotel soap in your bathroom. We have to do so, according to the management. I removed the eight pieces of soap which were bothering you from the countertop and put them in the soap bowl, where your bar of Zero was. I placed the bar of Zero on the medicine cabinet. I did not remove the four hotel soaps from inside the medicine cabinet – they are always there for new guests. You didn’t indicate you’d like it to be any different when you checked in on Monday. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance. Your regular room service, Miriam. * * *

Room Service Supervisor: Dear Mr. Miller, Our assistant manager, Mr. Stevenson, informed me that you called last night and complained about your room service. I’ve assigned another room service employee to your room, and would like to apologize for any discomfort your past service has caused you. Should you have further complaints, please contact me directly, and I will personally see to them. I can be reached at extension 1201 between 8 a.m. and 5 p.m. Thank you, Lindsey Weaver, Room Service Supervisor. * * *

Hotel Guest: Dear Ms. Weaver, I’m not in a position to contact you by telephone, because I’m out of the hotel on business from 7.15 a.m. until 7:30 or 8 p.m. That’s why I called Mr. Stevenson instead last night. By the time I got back to the hotel, you were already gone for the day. I had asked Mr. Stevenson if he could do something about the little pieces of soap in my bathroom. The new room service employee – who you assigned to my room – must believe I’m a newly arrived guiest, because she left another four hotel soap bars in the medicine cabinet of my bathroom (in addition to the usual four on the counter). I’ve been here 5 days and I already have 44 bars of hotel soap! Why are you doing this to me? D. Miller. * * *

Room Service Supervisor: Dear Mr. Miller, Your room service employee, Miriam, has been informed she should no longer leave bars of soap in your bathroom. Furthermore, she has been told to remove the extra bars of hotel soap from your bathroom. If I can be of further assistance to you, please call me between 7:40 a.m. and 5:30 p.m. at extension 1201. Thank you, Lindsey Weaver, Room Service Supervisor. * * *

Hotel Guest: Dear Mr. Stevenson, My personal bar of Zero soap has disappeared! Every last piece of soap was removed from my room, including my own, regularly-sized piece of Zero. When I returned last night I had to ask the porter to bring me four pieces of hotel-sized soap. D. Miller. * * *

Assistent Manager: Dear Mr. Miller, I’ve informed our Room Service Supervisor, Ms. Weaver, about your issues with the soaps. It’s inexplicable why there was no soap in your bathroom – our room service employees are specifically instructed to place four bars of hotel soap in the bathroom each time they clean a room. This situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for this unfortunate situation. Dave Stevenson, Assistant Manager. * * *

Hotel Guest: Dear Ms. Weaver, Who the %&*@%* put 62 hotel soaps in my bathroom?! When I returned to my room last night I found 62 bars of hotel-sized soap... I don’t want 62 bars of hotel soap in my bathroom! All I want – all I have ever wanted – is my own %&*@%* bar of regularly sized Zero soap! I am begging you – please give me my bar of Zero soap back! D. Miller. * * *

Room Service Supervisor: Dear Mr. Miller, First you complained that there was too much soap in your bathroom. Then you complained to Mr. Stevenson that your soap has disappeared. At that point I had personally returned all of the soap to your bathroom: the 34 pieces of hotel soap removed beforehand, as well as the 4 regulation pieces of hotel soap which we place in each room, each day. I have no knowledge about the other 8 pieces of hotel soap. Apparently your room service employee, Katrin, didn’t know this, so an additional 12 hotel soaps along with the four daily hotel soaps were brought to your room. I’m not sure where you’re getting the notion that our hotel provides guests with a full-sized bar of Zero soap. I brought a couple of full-sized bars of Nivea soap to your room. Lindsey Weaver, Room Service Supervisor. * * *

Hotel Guest: Dear Ms. Weaver, I’ll just write a few brief sentences to inform you about my current stash of soap. As of today I’m the proud owner of: On the counter under the medicine cabinet – 24 hotel sized soaps in 4 stacks * 12 pieces and 2 stacks of which 6 are on the paper towel dispenser – 13 hotel soaps in 2 stacks * 3 pieces and 2 stacks * 7 pieces on the commode in the bedroom * 3 pieces in 2 stacks * 7 pieces on the commode in the bedroom – 1 stack * 2 pieces, 1 stack * 4 large Nivea soaps and 6 hotel soaps in 2 stacks * 6 pieces in the medicine cabinet: 13 hotel soaps in 2 stacks * 7 pieces and 1 stack * 2 pieces in the soap bowl in the shower: 6 soaps – very damp – on the northeastern corner of the bath tub: 2 pieces of soap – one slightly used – On the northwestern corner of the bathtub: 8 soaps in 2 stacks * 4 pieces.

Kindly please ask Miriam to make sure all of the stacks are tidy and dusted off the next time she cleans my room. Please also note that stacks with more than 5 soaps in them tend to fall over. One suggestion – if I may – the window sill in my room is unused and would make an excellent depository for additional deliveries of soaps. And one other piece of information: you’ll be pleased to know I was able to purchase a bar of Zero soap and have placed it in the hotel safe to avoid any further misunderstandings. D. Miller. * * *

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